Season 1, Episode 6 - "Xmas Party"

Season 1, Episode 6 - "Xmas Party"

Written By Mr Gilbert (Teacher)...

So this term is finally over. Thank god. And it all ended with the Christmas dance or, as they are wont to call it these days aping our transatlantic cousins, the ‘prom’. Not too disastrous, especially as it was organised by that irritating new kid William McKenzie. Why he bothers i’ll never know.

The thing about these dances is that when mixed with the alcohol they claim they aren’t drinking the kids see them as a such a massive moment in their lives that they end up declaring undying love to some girl or boy in their year. Take that Simon Cooper – he’s spent all year mooning after Carli D’Amato (everyone can see it, it’s blindingly obvious) and rather than talk to her like a normal human being he chooses the prom to tell her his real feelings.

And as for that bloody Jay Cartwright – i don’t know where he learnt to DJ but it sounded like it

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Season 2, Episode 5 - "The Duke of Edinburgh Awards"

Season 2, Episode 5 - "The Duke of Edinburgh Awards"

In this episode...

Will is asked to co-ordinate the school's Duke of Edinburgh award scheme, and tries to get the boys to help. Jay refuses, but Neil and Simon agree. At his mom's barbecue, Will bumps into his old babysitter and offers to help her out at the local retirement home, in order to fulfill his scheme obligations and to get closer to her. When Will agrees to cover a bunch of her shifts, Daisy, who is older and goes to university, agrees to go out to dinner with him.

Simon can't help out at the home as his parents have separated and he needs to spend 'quality time' with his dad. Will's exhausted after working Daisy's shifts and falls asleep in the common room. Copying a prank they saw on the internet, Neil and Jay apply hair remover to Will's nether regions. The now pubicly bald Will tries to cover up his hairlessness to Daisy by using an old lady's wig. She is not impressed. She's also not impressed by catching Jay having a tug in an old lady's bedroom, with the old lady in it. Disgraced, they all get kicked off the awards scheme.

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Season 1, Episode 5 - "Caravan Club"

Season 1, Episode 5 - "Caravan Club"

Written By Terry Cartwright (Jay's Dad)...

You’ve met my boy Jay, right? Hair like Rod Stewart, face like Rod Hull. Sometimes I look at him and think "how could he have come from my balls?" Well unfortunately he did. Every month I drag Jay off to a Caravan Club meeting in the hope that he might finally pull one of the many birds there, but he doesn’t have much luck. I keep telling him, "there's only a couple of things you need to work on son – your face and your personality". I'm only joking...

he also needs to work on his hygiene. He stinks. Anyway, this weekend Jay is bringing his mates to the Camber Sands meeting, so maybe he’ll get to go sloppy seconds on anything they tug.

He already says that he’s lined up a bird called Becky for his mate Simon, but I don’t think she’ll want to shag Simon after she’s seen that shitty little yellow car he drives. Maybe one of the others’ll get something, that Will looks like a certain type of bird might go for him – blind birds.

Anyway, I’m desperate for a dump, so I’ll see you later.

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Season 2, Episode 2 - "Work Experience"

Season 2, Episode 2 - "Work Experience"

In this episode...

It's work experience week at school, and while Jay has sorted out something for himself and Simon at his dad's plant hire, a mix-up leaves Neil at a paper and Will at a garage. Mr Gilbert is either unable or unwilling to change things, so Will gets to see life in a place where he is 'too clever' to actually work.

Will's workmates get the hump by his snooty ways - so when he sees through their ruse of picking up various comedy things from the suppliers, they kidnap him, strip his half-naked and dump him in a lake. Despite his mom's protests, Mr. Gilbert only finds this turn of events highly amusing.

On the bright side, Will does have a sort of date with Charlotte at an underage disco she's working at. Foolishly he tells Neil, Simon and Jay about it and they insist on attending. Even more foolishly, he also brags about his 'girlfriend' to the blokes at the garage - who are determined to ruin his fun.

At the disco, Simon is grabbed and groped by his valentine from a lower year - until a small boy gives him a violent punch to the cock. Will runs to Charlotte for help - but the bloke from the garage is also there. Once he's made sure Charlotte knows what Will's been saying about her, she doesn't want anything to do with him. Poor Will. He goes to hide with everyone else in the toilets - waiting for his mom to come and rescue them from the children.

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Season 1, Episode 2 - "Bunk Off"

Season 1, Episode 2 - "Bunk Off"

Written By Chris Cooper (Simon's Lil' Brother)...

My brother is the most tragic saddo i’ve ever even heard of, let alone met. Or bee related to. Holy shit i can’t believe that we have the same parents. What he did today, right, was unbelievable. He’s always had this thing for Carli D’amato, which in itself is tragic as we’ve known her all our lives and her parents come round at Christmas and stuff, and today he actually decided to tell her.

Tell her about his feelings? I mean, even i know that you don’t tell girls how you really feel cos if you do then they’ve got the power over you. Anyway, it gets worse. Not only did he tell her but he wrote it in massive letters on her driveway. Give me a T give me an R give me a A give me a GIC.

Anyway i can’t even go into what he then went on to do when for some reason she actually invited him round, but all i’m going to say is that i am going to get the shit ripped out of me tomorrow just for being his brother.

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Season 1, Episode 3 - "Thorpe Park"

Season 1, Episode 3 - "Thorpe Park"

Written By Tracey Pay (Simon's Driving Examiner)...

Hello. I’m Tracey, i’ll be our instructor for today’s test. Now, just slip it into first and we’ll be away. I had a lovely boy in the car here the other day. Simon Cooper, do you know him? Is he at your school? Take the next left please. Well, this lad Simon made quite an impression on me i can tell you. He seemed quite nervous to begin with but we got him through it eventually. Okay, now just stop past this blue car and reverse back into that space please.

Yes, this lad Simon was saying that if he passed his test he was planning to take all his friends to Thorpe Park to ride rollercoasters, apparently they have another friend who works there. Neil Sutherland, do you know him? Simon was saying he clears up sick. Good, now pull out safely into the traffic please.

Yes, Simon said his friend Will is obsessed with rollercoasters and Thorpe Park is smashing for that he said. I got it out them that he really went to Thorpe Park for the girls. They say that sometimes on the rides their boobs pop out. Saucy boy that Simon, that’s what i say. Now when i tap the dashboard make an emergency stop. Well done.

Season 2, Episode 4 - "Night Out in London"

Season 2, Episode 4 - "Night Out in London"